Interactive Blogging...you name the monster

My latest writing that I was encouraged by a friend to post. You get to name the monster. For me, it's eating disorder not otherwise specified. I shared this at a "writers in-the-round" because so often our issues prevent us from using the gifts that God instilled in us...the enemy lies into our ears and invokes fear. I was nervous, but hooray for being obedient! I dare you to try, to rediscover your talents and passions and dare to be bold...

In the dreariness, In the coldness
I am so alone
My stomach balls in agony
And all hope is gone
I am in his clutches
To the abuser I long to return

But you tell me No
And plead for my safe return
You remind me that I am not my own
The price is paid in full
You meet me where I am at and draw me forward
For that I give you my soul

While I am consumed
It is wholeness that I seek
So often I teeter from enslavement to the free
It is a war that I am in
How can I fight it?
When temptation comes, my mind gives in

But you tell me No
And plead for my safe return
You remind me that I am not my own
The price is paid in full
You meet me where I am at and draw me forward
For that I give you my soul

Where is the strength found that I need to muster up?
I feel so stuck
My frustration mounds as the monster looms larger
When does the struggle end?
I'm ready to give in

But you tell me No
And plead for my safe return
You remind me that I am not my own
The price is paid in full
You meet me where I am at and draw me forward
For that I give you my soul

It is for you that I press on
I would haven given up this futile battle long ago
It is because you told me No
And pleaded for my safe return
Because you already paid the price
And chose to walk me onward
So I choose to go with you, lead me forward.

electronic journal entry 4-5-06

So I was attempting to nap while my mind continued to race and I've had some interesting insight to some of the deeper issues contributing to my current state of mind and mood. This rotation has been a relatively smooth transition, much unlike all the others. So it's been a challenge to understand why I've felt so overwhelmed and depressed lately. Was it just the transition? Surely there had to be more. And there is. I'm overwhelmed by all that needs to be accomplished from the simple things to the more complex. I'm embarrassed and angry about my financial situation and how I managed to squander thousands of dollars. My apartment is in shambles and laundry desperately needs to be done. I'm enjoying my psychiatry rotation but it's hard to hear about other's struggles--problems with food, weight gain or loss, drugs, the death of this parent, and the divorce of that spouse. It reminds me of my own insecurities including the fear of my parents' death. I'm daily reminded of my own anxieties and the limitations of medicine...the dread of nothing left to offer hope of a complete recovery and a life full of joy, happiness, and good health. I sit there in the chair that's too small for my body and I feel like I stick out...the mental images of how I think I look are embarrassing. I go home to an empty, tiny apartment and am greeted by a talkative kitty. I worry if the neighbors are grumbling and complaining behind my back. I keep thinking if only I had a chunk of time to get things done, a big check to pay off my debt, and a different apartment with more space and light, then I would feel better and everything would be different. I could start off on the right foot, maintain my circumstances, and never be behind again. The humbling and discouraging part comes when I realize that I've had all of that and I'm still in the situation that I am. The challenge is how to get caught up little by little. It doesn't help that I miss my family. I enjoyed the weekend we had. It was time that I cherish so much and crave more of it -- greedy for more of their time, love, company, and attention. I wish I could be content in the here and now with what I have. Someone once said that at point A you wish you were at point B. But when you leave point A for point B, it doesn't take long before point C comes into focus and point B loses it's appeal. When will the present circumstances ever be enough? That's the question for today.

"I am in competition with one person only...and that's the person I know I can become."

Pink Elephants go Dancing by in East Tennessee

Life in East Tennessee has been stretching to say the least. I had 6 roommates and now I'm down to 2...or so I hope. My classmate and I were watching a movie when I saw something scurry across the floor. 2 days later and plenty of cheese we found out those good ole wooden mouse traps work! My kitty is here with me, she aint a lick of good...she's also in "heat" and is more interested in waving her butt in the air than searching for mice. Silly kitty. Rural medicine is just that-rural. I've had some interesting days and I've had more boring days than I care to. On the bright side, I'm getting homework done and will finally meet my preceptor on Monday. yippee!

There's not much here in east TN, and surely there aren't pink elephants. That is unless one comes to mind.

Have you ever been afraid of the past? You have memories and emotions that haunt you and affect your every move but the pain seems too large to even think about it. I have many scars and many wounds from my past. I've been running from them ever since...well, ever since they happened. I finally got to the place where after 2 years of therapy it's time to stop procrastinating and begin to confront these monsters. Hooray for Jesus. I have cried and I have flat out said, "No. I will not go there. I don't want to even think about it." I've spent a lot of years building brick walls to keep the pain from hurting me, and a lot of wasted time and valuable life experiences from standing guard.

Until finally the other night, and after a long Mexican stand off with God, Jesus says to me, "Let me show you my way." My thoughts go back to the day when the teasing of my third grade peers finally penetrated the beautiful, vivacious, confident girl I once was. "Pink Elephant" was the final straw and I just sat at recess and cried leaving my friend Gina helpless to comfort me. When Jesus comes into moments like those, everything changes. Jesus was standing next to me and when the kid points and says "Pink Elephant" Jesus and I look at each other bewildered, and then look to see what's behind us...as if the boy was referring to something other than me. And sure enough, there was a bold, proud, silly looking pink elephant marching by with the most confident smile. Jesus and I just bust out laughing! And I didn't cry after that. The thought fades and I find myself still laughing. The pain gone. Ready to take on the world...at least for the day anyway...

...And when I see Jesus in the midst of my father yelling at me during my high school years, Jesus just whispers, "See how much he loves you." And the anger just melts. The resentment and the pain, they're gone. Simply because Jesus brings a whole new perspective. He sees the things I can't. He heals in ways I can only dare to dream. He's not bound by time and can change life events that shaped and molded the very essence of who I am. I get the best of both worlds...I'm a better for person for those hardships. Jesus never meant for the trials that produce perserverance to produce incompacitance. No, I don't want to relive the pain, and I don't have to when I see it Jesus' way. Hooray for Jesus.

"I'm human too, ya know..."

Twelve-hour-shifts are hard enough especially when you top it off with an hour commute home. In the wee hours of one Saturday morning I was compelled to stay over a couple of hours. Of course, I had a hard time driving home safely but I made it nonetheless...just don't tell my parents. :o) A patient came into the ER after swallowing an open bag of cocaine to avoid getting caught by the police. This person did get caught and was freaked out enough to say what had happened. Into the ER he came, scared, embarrassed, ashamed, and offensive.

After contacting poison control, the jury was in, this person needed to have an NG tube. It's not a very pleasant task. What's involved is sticking a hard plastic tube up your nose and then you have to keep swallowing it until it's completely shoved into your stomach. A numbing medicine is usually given first, but, in this case, there was a sense of urgency.

After the tube was placed, blood had to be drawn. It was my first time to see "track marks" and the experience was awkward for the both of us. I didn't mean to be condescending. I asked to see the guy's arms assuming that IV drug use was common knowledge. I quickly learned that wasn't the case when he asked me, "Why?" I came up with a quick answer, "To see where we're going to draw the blood." He was no fool and stated, "That's not what you meant." He was so ashamed of his arms. You could see the humiliation on his face. Only to make matters worse, we had to look at his feet for decent veins. Again, a no-go, and more humiliation washed across his face. Finally we asked him to try drawing his own blood. He wasn't too keen on the idea but did it anyway which resulted in another failed attempt. The only option left was going for the neck, no joke. Instead of humiliation, this time it was fear.

He made the comment, "Can I just go to jail now? I'd rather be there than here." The officer on guard replied, "This all wouldn't have happened if you could just stop using cocaine." To which I replied, "Unfortunately, that's easier said than done." As one with something resembling an addiction, albeit food which doesn't require an NG tube, my heart went out to him. Yes he made poor choices, but ... I'm sure he didn't sign up for the lot he was in that night.

I don't understand the callousness of those who have worked in this ER longer than I. Do you get to a point where you have to stop putting yourself into the patient's shoes just so you can survive the harshness of what comes through those doors? I don't know which to believe, the compassion or the jokes. It was this reality that kept me there. I stayed behind and slowly pushed a heavy-duty laxative (ironically called Go Lightly) into his stomach to get that cocaine out and get it out fast.

This isn't a post to brag about what a servant's heart I have. I booked it out of there when the diarrhea came! I was too tired to take anymore, I had reached my limit. So I really didn't mind my instructor's gentle urge to go home. This has definitely been an experience to remember. I suppose the moral of the story is simply this -- going to jail is better than getting a tube shoved up your nose and down your throat.

Starbuck's is the winner tonight...

Welcome to Insomniac's Central...where you can veg out when your body screams sleep and the mind ingnores it. I made a rather strong pot of Starbuck's House Blend, chuged 2 cups of it, and still can't sleep after taking a prescription sleeping pill. Hooray for Starbuck's!! Need I say that stuff is really potent?

Two major thoughts keep cycling through my mind. One is parathesia and the other is reconciliation. To make a needlessly long story short, my left index fingertip has been asleep for a day now. The $100 word that we learned in PA school for this sensation is parasthesia. It's pretty annoying. I'm hoping a little ice and some time will get the inflammation down so the pins and needles will stop. Note to self: when the fingers start to tingle because of carring really heavy grocery bags, shift the load--feeling is not garunteed to return.

I must have laid in bed for a good hour thinking of an old college friend. We left to go home after our freshman year on unsettled terms. I've never missed a dear friend so much. I only pray for the chance to relocate her and bring reconciliation to our frienship. There's this therapy technique called Theophostic therapy, it's really interesting. Apparantly I'll be trying it out next week. I'll let you know how it goes. I only mention it because maybe Jesus needs to do some work in my life with these old memories before I can continue searching to mend this relationship.

This game we play called Life, it sure is an interesting little stinker isn't it?

ADD and ME (attempt 2)

Howdy all. To not disappoint my friends, I decided to give this a second go for the night. My first attempt failed with a poor internet connection/server.

I claim the fault of ADD that I have no written sooner on my blogspot. There have been so many things to write that I have been overwhelmed and not written anything. Don't try to find the logic in that, there isn't any. So I will begin with a bit of everything...but first, a bit of procrastination.

ADD and ME

Wow... It's been a while. There's been so much that I've wanted to write about. And as is true for those with AD/HD, I've been so overwhelmed with everything that I haven't known where to begin. So perhaps I'll begin with a bit of everything. :o)

Physician Assistant School Status
I'm two weeks into my fourth rotation...wahoo! I'm loving it!!! I've seen everything thing from the King Kong of all zits to dead bodies, cuts, chest pain, hernias, anxiety, miscarriages, kidney stones, colds, flu, mono, broken bones, and much more. Hooray for Emergency Rooms! I've certainly had my hard moments, like witnessing a man being told his wife is dead or telling a 20-year-old she has herpes. But I've also had my good moments when I told someone it's not a heart attack or calmed the fears of the hurting and scared. And hooray for x-ray techs who relocate dislocated elbows in children, although I miss out on the action...but my ear drums get saved in the process.

Eating Issues "R" Us
I don't know if you've ever gotten a little dazed while driving. You look at your speed-o-meter and realize, "Oh, I'm going too fast." So you ease up on the gas pedal only to realize it doesn't feel right. You automatically push down on the pedal in response, and then suddenly discover, "No, wrong direction." and have to make a larger effort to slow down. My latest quote, "You can't slow down a car by pushing on the gas pedal." Well, on to the correlation with food... This week I've found myself admitting that I have got to lose weight. My poor lungs, heart and knees. But for some reason that only translates into eating more. It's weird. Who needs alcohol or prescription drugs when there's food around!? There's much more to be said on the matter but for a later time.

Breaking 5 o'Clock News
My sister is getting MARRIED!!! This weekend in fact, and I'm excited. Her soulmate, Rob, has AD/HD and my sister has entered a whole new world...and no, I'm not referring to Aladdin. :o)

eHarmony and Pudding
Is the proof really in the pudding? I'm not embarrassed to tell...I've been a member of eharmony for a couple of months now (3 for the price of 1 - how could I resist). Everyone keeps telling me I need to "put myself out there." Well, here I am. For all of you science geeks, you thought the odds were horrible for having a baby, try finding me a date!! I truly am just kidding. I know someone is out there...I just need to be patient for which corner to look around. I figure my chances are 1 in 3 billion if you estimate the world's population is aprrox 6 billion, and approx half of which are females (not including China- j/k). One of these days, I know...but the naivete in me thinks "the sooner the better."

The Joys of Radio
I recently heard on the radio a statement from the man whose father was killed doing missions in Ecuador, the one they're making a movie about. He said, "God planned my dad's death. If He could plan the death of His own son, then He could plan the death of my dad." The full statement is even more powerful, but the exact words escape me. Wow. How profound that was, and the pain he had to go through to come to grips with that realization.

The church I attend has a workshop called The Wounded Heart and it's for the sexually abused. They made this statement in the bulletin, "True healing only comes in facing heartache." God never meant for us to do this alone. He never meant for us to live alone, laugh alone, struggle alone.

"Here am I, Lord."

Walking with you in this strange, painful, and yet amusing world... -ber :o)