The Sobering Truth

So enough of putting off my blogging trying to get the last month all written at once. This last week alone I could spend forever talking about. My job is going really well. I absolutely love it. It brings me joy and I’m learning a ton! However, I’m not good at making adjustments. I’ve spent the last year in recovery, mostly for codependency, and somewhat for my eating disorder (bulimia behaviors-minus the throwing up). And when I get into a stressful, uncomfortable, stretching season of my life, food is always there to comfort and cope. Shoot, it kept me up for college all-nighters and it soothed my panic during PA school. Pharmaceutical drug reps know their way into every office: attractive people, lots of pens and post-its, and good food. My office gets good food on more than a daily basis, and I’ve been thoroughly enjoying it…sliding down that slippery slope called relapse. And wouldn’t you know it? I eat to stay awake because I’m so sleepy. I eat to cure my headaches and sometimes migraines. I eat to calm the anxiety and the insecurity so it won’t show. I eat because that sweet sugar or tasty chocolate has hit my tongue and cravings won’t go away, nor will obsessing about it, until I indulge. I eat because I can—who’s gonna stop me? And really, so far, I haven’t seen one ounce of consequence in the form of weight gain. Why stop?

It needs to stop because I no longer have a choice. I’m so compelled by this disorder that I can’t stop, I can’t choose to put down that brownie, and I’m certainly not choosing to exercise like I used to. My inability to choose is stirring up anger, depression, fear, and it’s keeping me from depending on God because I tend to look to other people to pull me out of the pit. I feel confused and disoriented. I’m losing my footing to stay in touch with reality and objective thinking. And so this week the warning signs came to head and I talked with my sponsor. Evidently my inability to choose the right thing, the right action, is the same as the alcoholic who needs to stop drinking. I am in the midst of an addiction. And someone celled me out on it and told me to go to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting. (I came up with a few excuses and she told me to get over it! :o)

I’ve already been to 2 meetings this week in addition to my regular Celebrate Recovery meeting. I’m actively looking for a second sponsor, one who knows the games I play. I’m sure there are games and lies that I’m not even aware of. I’ve cried, I’ve been angry, and today I’m feeling depressed… "they" want to take my drug away. As I’ve said many times this week, not recovering is not an option. I can either go right or left, recover or not, and there’s no third option. Jesus says choose. How can I argue with His heart to see me completely healed? He wants all of me, not just the codependency.