2 Birds, 1 Stone

"Taking the Future for Granted" from my MySpace Blog:

I was sitting in a recovery meeting this lest week when the thought of taking people for granted entered my mind. I try so hard not to take people or time for granted. I know life is short. I learned that lesson when I was 9 and my grandma died. I've clung to my mom ever since. That's when it hit me. How much do I take myself for granted? I sit so consumed with my issues and addictions, that I neglect people who enjoy my company. Most of all, I neglect the God that wants to spend time with me the most. Yeah, I've been doing things for God, serving, volunteering, smiling at people, and offering encouragement...but I haven't given him my company, time for Him to just be with me.

And then I realize I take myself for granted in so many other ways. I sit and fester about the past, it's hard in recovery to ignore the past when I'm being asked to deal with it, and yet I look so much to the future that I take the here and now for granted. (One person put it, "If you have one foot in the past and one foot in the future, then you crap all over today.") And since the here and now is being neglected, the future starts getting taken for granted as well. Let me explain.

I've met a new lady who struggles with similar issues as I but she is much further in her recovery. Almost 20 years ago an eating disorder took her life. Almost 20 years ago I was 7 and oblivious to this person, her struggle, and how she would start to walk along side me and help me recover from the same disorder. So almost 20 years from now, who will I walk alongside? Who's life will I impact? Somewhere there may be a 7 year old oblivious to my existence, and almost 20 years from now our paths will cross.

What I'm doing in the here and now matters. It matters for the future. Who I spend time with matters. It shapes my here and now. And really, does any of it matter if I neglect the God who created me for a purpose?

So news from me: (1) 5 weeks down and I LOVE my job! Old people are hilarious, complicated, cantankerous, and feisty...and boy are they fun to tease! I'm learning a lot and making stupid mistakes along the way, but it's fun to laugh about them. I've decided to start the "Dumb ass Wall of Fame" in my office. Yeah, the highlight so far, interviewing the wrong patient for 15 minutes! The funnier part, my coworkers want to join in and add themselves to the wall!! (2) My eating disorder is coming out of isolation more so than before. I had an intervention a couple weeks ago and now I'm attending Overeaters Anonymous meetings and have another sponsor. I'm angry as hell because I can't keep my addiction as much of a secret as I want to. I even struggle to share it here. To be honest, I wonder if my honesty and openness pushes you away, especially since some of you have been hearing me whine about the same issue for 4 years. I struggle to offer something positive, something to keep you engaged...but then whoa, that's codependent. So, I'll just keep being honest. How about that? (3) Kalab, my newest niece, will be arriving from Ethiopia sometime this month. I'm so excited to meet her! (4) God remains to be enormously faithful and giving! I have a couple ministry opportunities to do some creative writing and then start leadership at Celebrate Recovery. I ask for your prayers that God will continue to be glorified as he turns my ashes into beauty.

Have a great week, campers!

The Sobering Truth

So enough of putting off my blogging trying to get the last month all written at once. This last week alone I could spend forever talking about. My job is going really well. I absolutely love it. It brings me joy and I’m learning a ton! However, I’m not good at making adjustments. I’ve spent the last year in recovery, mostly for codependency, and somewhat for my eating disorder (bulimia behaviors-minus the throwing up). And when I get into a stressful, uncomfortable, stretching season of my life, food is always there to comfort and cope. Shoot, it kept me up for college all-nighters and it soothed my panic during PA school. Pharmaceutical drug reps know their way into every office: attractive people, lots of pens and post-its, and good food. My office gets good food on more than a daily basis, and I’ve been thoroughly enjoying it…sliding down that slippery slope called relapse. And wouldn’t you know it? I eat to stay awake because I’m so sleepy. I eat to cure my headaches and sometimes migraines. I eat to calm the anxiety and the insecurity so it won’t show. I eat because that sweet sugar or tasty chocolate has hit my tongue and cravings won’t go away, nor will obsessing about it, until I indulge. I eat because I can—who’s gonna stop me? And really, so far, I haven’t seen one ounce of consequence in the form of weight gain. Why stop?

It needs to stop because I no longer have a choice. I’m so compelled by this disorder that I can’t stop, I can’t choose to put down that brownie, and I’m certainly not choosing to exercise like I used to. My inability to choose is stirring up anger, depression, fear, and it’s keeping me from depending on God because I tend to look to other people to pull me out of the pit. I feel confused and disoriented. I’m losing my footing to stay in touch with reality and objective thinking. And so this week the warning signs came to head and I talked with my sponsor. Evidently my inability to choose the right thing, the right action, is the same as the alcoholic who needs to stop drinking. I am in the midst of an addiction. And someone celled me out on it and told me to go to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting. (I came up with a few excuses and she told me to get over it! :o)

I’ve already been to 2 meetings this week in addition to my regular Celebrate Recovery meeting. I’m actively looking for a second sponsor, one who knows the games I play. I’m sure there are games and lies that I’m not even aware of. I’ve cried, I’ve been angry, and today I’m feeling depressed… "they" want to take my drug away. As I’ve said many times this week, not recovering is not an option. I can either go right or left, recover or not, and there’s no third option. Jesus says choose. How can I argue with His heart to see me completely healed? He wants all of me, not just the codependency.

Patience Please

Just to keep you capitvated... I have 4 posts in the making! Coming soon, I promise! At least one within the next week... (crossing fingers in hope)