News

Kaleab is here! She is gorgeous! You can see more pics and read a heart-felt account of the trip to Ethiopia at http://www.bringingmercyhome.blogspot.com/.

Also, I now officially help write for the women's ministry blog at Southland Christian Church. I just posted! It's titled "The Value of Ashes" and you can find it at http://women.southlandchrisitan.org/. ("Our Life Stories" link to the right)

In other news, I will be giving my "fat story" in OA on Sat, Dec 20. I cringe but I'm looking forward to it. I've been in denial way too long and it's time to really say the things I want to hide. I'll tell you, never have I've been so reserved, so scared, so unwilling to be open, honest, and transparent...and it doesn't matter if you're my parent, sibling, best friend, therapist, accountability partner or sponsor...not even God in some cases. Most of the time I won't even let my thoughts get honest with my eating issues. A wrecking ball won't even work, but hooray that God has some mysterious enzyme that will dissolve my obstinacy. Ew. I'd rather gauge out an eye I think.

I'm 3 months into my job now and I still enjoy it. God daily gives me something to be grateful for.

Well friend, that's all I have for tonight! 12 Days until Christmas!!! YIPEE!

Kalab is COMING!!

To the readers I don't know that I have: SHE COMING!! I'M SO EXCITED! Pray, please pray that she gets here soon! I don't know this little 4-year-old but I anticipate her beautiful smile and sweet voice. My brother and his wife are desperately seeking a "go" to leave in 2 days, they have the tickets ready, but no final word that it's time. Pray for the time to be right. Pray for Kalab's heart. The next several weeks will be very hard for her as she's leaving the only home she's known in Ethiopia and coming to a world full of strangers. The thought of her tears makes me want to cry, and the agony of her separation makes my heart ache. But I know a God more faithful. A God that can transcend emotion, age, and language barriers. A God that can comfort like no other. May Kalab feel love and safety. May their plane ride go smoothly and their time in Ethiopia be safe. Father, hem them in, go before and come in behind. Thank you for rejoicing over them with singing. You are an awesome God!

2 Birds, 1 Stone

"Taking the Future for Granted" from my MySpace Blog:

I was sitting in a recovery meeting this lest week when the thought of taking people for granted entered my mind. I try so hard not to take people or time for granted. I know life is short. I learned that lesson when I was 9 and my grandma died. I've clung to my mom ever since. That's when it hit me. How much do I take myself for granted? I sit so consumed with my issues and addictions, that I neglect people who enjoy my company. Most of all, I neglect the God that wants to spend time with me the most. Yeah, I've been doing things for God, serving, volunteering, smiling at people, and offering encouragement...but I haven't given him my company, time for Him to just be with me.

And then I realize I take myself for granted in so many other ways. I sit and fester about the past, it's hard in recovery to ignore the past when I'm being asked to deal with it, and yet I look so much to the future that I take the here and now for granted. (One person put it, "If you have one foot in the past and one foot in the future, then you crap all over today.") And since the here and now is being neglected, the future starts getting taken for granted as well. Let me explain.

I've met a new lady who struggles with similar issues as I but she is much further in her recovery. Almost 20 years ago an eating disorder took her life. Almost 20 years ago I was 7 and oblivious to this person, her struggle, and how she would start to walk along side me and help me recover from the same disorder. So almost 20 years from now, who will I walk alongside? Who's life will I impact? Somewhere there may be a 7 year old oblivious to my existence, and almost 20 years from now our paths will cross.

What I'm doing in the here and now matters. It matters for the future. Who I spend time with matters. It shapes my here and now. And really, does any of it matter if I neglect the God who created me for a purpose?

So news from me: (1) 5 weeks down and I LOVE my job! Old people are hilarious, complicated, cantankerous, and feisty...and boy are they fun to tease! I'm learning a lot and making stupid mistakes along the way, but it's fun to laugh about them. I've decided to start the "Dumb ass Wall of Fame" in my office. Yeah, the highlight so far, interviewing the wrong patient for 15 minutes! The funnier part, my coworkers want to join in and add themselves to the wall!! (2) My eating disorder is coming out of isolation more so than before. I had an intervention a couple weeks ago and now I'm attending Overeaters Anonymous meetings and have another sponsor. I'm angry as hell because I can't keep my addiction as much of a secret as I want to. I even struggle to share it here. To be honest, I wonder if my honesty and openness pushes you away, especially since some of you have been hearing me whine about the same issue for 4 years. I struggle to offer something positive, something to keep you engaged...but then whoa, that's codependent. So, I'll just keep being honest. How about that? (3) Kalab, my newest niece, will be arriving from Ethiopia sometime this month. I'm so excited to meet her! (4) God remains to be enormously faithful and giving! I have a couple ministry opportunities to do some creative writing and then start leadership at Celebrate Recovery. I ask for your prayers that God will continue to be glorified as he turns my ashes into beauty.

Have a great week, campers!

The Sobering Truth

So enough of putting off my blogging trying to get the last month all written at once. This last week alone I could spend forever talking about. My job is going really well. I absolutely love it. It brings me joy and I’m learning a ton! However, I’m not good at making adjustments. I’ve spent the last year in recovery, mostly for codependency, and somewhat for my eating disorder (bulimia behaviors-minus the throwing up). And when I get into a stressful, uncomfortable, stretching season of my life, food is always there to comfort and cope. Shoot, it kept me up for college all-nighters and it soothed my panic during PA school. Pharmaceutical drug reps know their way into every office: attractive people, lots of pens and post-its, and good food. My office gets good food on more than a daily basis, and I’ve been thoroughly enjoying it…sliding down that slippery slope called relapse. And wouldn’t you know it? I eat to stay awake because I’m so sleepy. I eat to cure my headaches and sometimes migraines. I eat to calm the anxiety and the insecurity so it won’t show. I eat because that sweet sugar or tasty chocolate has hit my tongue and cravings won’t go away, nor will obsessing about it, until I indulge. I eat because I can—who’s gonna stop me? And really, so far, I haven’t seen one ounce of consequence in the form of weight gain. Why stop?

It needs to stop because I no longer have a choice. I’m so compelled by this disorder that I can’t stop, I can’t choose to put down that brownie, and I’m certainly not choosing to exercise like I used to. My inability to choose is stirring up anger, depression, fear, and it’s keeping me from depending on God because I tend to look to other people to pull me out of the pit. I feel confused and disoriented. I’m losing my footing to stay in touch with reality and objective thinking. And so this week the warning signs came to head and I talked with my sponsor. Evidently my inability to choose the right thing, the right action, is the same as the alcoholic who needs to stop drinking. I am in the midst of an addiction. And someone celled me out on it and told me to go to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting. (I came up with a few excuses and she told me to get over it! :o)

I’ve already been to 2 meetings this week in addition to my regular Celebrate Recovery meeting. I’m actively looking for a second sponsor, one who knows the games I play. I’m sure there are games and lies that I’m not even aware of. I’ve cried, I’ve been angry, and today I’m feeling depressed… "they" want to take my drug away. As I’ve said many times this week, not recovering is not an option. I can either go right or left, recover or not, and there’s no third option. Jesus says choose. How can I argue with His heart to see me completely healed? He wants all of me, not just the codependency.

Patience Please

Just to keep you capitvated... I have 4 posts in the making! Coming soon, I promise! At least one within the next week... (crossing fingers in hope)

I'm Still Grateful

It finally happened. The time has come and I can breathe easy once again. NO MORE LIMBO! I have a job and I don't have to move! WAHOO! The contract will be signed this week and I will commute 25 minutes to work. I'm doing what I enjoy and these three doctors are willing to mentor me. I am wanted and it feels good...so good. Confidence, here I come! Where things will unfold from here I don't know, but I'm still grateful...so grateful. I can't tell you the joy I have to place roots and grow, and build relationships and dig deeper into ministry. It's exciting. I invite you to walk the journey with me...

The Sponsor Stuff

Okay, so I reread what I wrote for "Hungry" and I realize that the sponsor paragraph doesn't make much sense at all. What's the deal?

A bit of history... I wanted to be a part of something bigger than myself and at the time I needed to be needed in order to feel significant and secure and important. So, I went and checked out this group called Celebrate Recovery thinking I'd make a great small group leader. I quickly found myself relating to those who struggled with codependency and realized I had to be a participant before being a leader. This was one year ago and it marks the beginning of a radical transformation.

Celebrate Recovery is a Christ-centered 12-step program that provides a safe place for anyone with any sort of hurt, habit, or hang-up...and I certainly belonged. The group usually meets one night a week and then there's an option to dig deeper and join a step study, which simply means you take 1 year to look deeper in the 12-steps and provides the opportunity and accountability to work out your recovery. (Go to http://www.celebraterecovery.com/ to find a group near you, find out more information, or read the 12-steps/8 principles.)

The recovery journey, and even life for that matter, was never meant to be walked alone. Celebrate Recovery helps those of us who want to isolate to open up and find authentic community. Part of that community includes a sponsor. A sponsor is simply someone who has already worked the 12-steps in detail and will lead you through your journey in the steps. They are there to guide, support, and keep you on track. Believe me, I am so grateful for my sponsor. I can't even begin to tell you the amazing help that she has been...and I'm a better person for it. She has held boundaries with me, called my cards, prayed with me and over me, and has walked with me in the ups and downs of my journey.

So last Monday we talked and I just poured out my heart. My lack of a job and financial insecurity was reaching a maximal stress point and worry was beginning to plague me. Me, a Christian, who believes that He will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast because he trusts in God, worried and anxious? Was I allowed? Were my emotions sinful? And how do I reconcile Paul's urging to be anxious in nothing but to pray and be thankful for everything? So, my sponsor makes it clear to me that being a Christian is not the absence of these emotions. In fact, God wants us to be honest with our emotions. Jesus was when he went to the cross, and there was nothing peaceful or anxiety-free about that. Paul admits to his human-ness, and Stephen called on the Holy Spirit when he stood before a bunch of angry people. But there is an underlying peace, especially when I stop to get honest and pray truthfully.

Because I wasn't finding a job locally, I had to go to plan B which meant leaving home for at least 3 months at a time. I didn't want to leave my support group, sponsor, therapist or dietitian. Plus, the church I attended was magnificent and my family lived close-by. Because I felt like I finally belonged somewhere and that I wasn't complacent, I couldn't understand why God would move me else where. The sponsor-lady (I like to call her) quickly reminded not to get dependent on the church or a particular support group because that limits God and is unhealthy, just like developing a dependency on people. Yeah, that hit me between the eyes.

She went on to say that maybe God has other plans, maybe he wants to send me elsewhere and start a Celebrate Recovery group..."maybe God is stomping in your puddle so that like the splash of water He'll get you to move." I don't know what the master plan is, but I'm okay with it because it will be more than I can anticipate. It certainly is a journey loaded with unexpected twists and turns.

It's hard when after so many rejection notices (from job interviews) to not take it personally. I can ward off the question "What's wrong with me?" for only so long. The height of my eating disorder hit during PA school and so some of the lies I've believed involve my professional competency. Telling the professor who believed in me the most (and my being afraid that I've let him down) was no easy task. What I'm realizing, though, is that I don't give myself enough credit. I am far more able than I fear I am. And besides, it is Him who makes me able in the first place anyway.

You are no less able...it's okay to dare to be bold even if you don't feel like it. Most of the time I don't feel like either, but we have to especially if we want the most out of this life. And I really need to let that sink in, for the both of us. May it reach your heart.

Hungry

So this morning I'm a little off kilter, but I want to write anyway. To hit the highlights:

I appreciate my sponsor so much. What truth she shed yesterday about shedding pride, that Christianity isn't the absence of discomfort, being cautious of depending on institutions and ministries, and that God may be stomping in my puddle to get me to go. (Remind me to explain what a sponsor is and why I have one.)

Last night I shed my pride and wrote a massive email to my professor about the skeletons in my closet and how inadequate I feel as a professional. After all, I'm only as sick as my secrets. I'm weighed down the most by the things I try to hide.

I also need to share how God has been faithful in supplying my manna for the day. And even though Paul says to be anxious in nothing, I have to be honest with how I feel. I'm anxious. Money is running out and today I start pursuing a travel position when I want to stay put. And what am I going to do with my cat? No one wants her...she has issues, but she is so significant to me. I'm codependent with a cat! ...and dogs I found earlier this summer. I know God will take care of that too.

I'm stressed and I'm not eating as much. I've made a promise to never starve myself again and I see my appetite shrinking which is a little unnerving. And because of that, I sleep less. And ironically, today I'm up praying and worshiping my Father in heaven which is a first in so long. It brings me to tears this morning to seek His throne before anything else because I've needed this for so long and I'm finally able and willing to come.

I'm so hungry on many fronts...food, sleep, significance, confidence...but mostly for Him and I wish I could just stay focused on music and prayer all day. Things have to get done today and there are appointments to attend, and I'm so thankful that worship or being in His presence is not confined to the quietness of an early morning. Like Allie said on her post at www.truecampaign.org, I'm gonna go and just be for a little bit. I need to spend more time with Jesus than writing about Him.

Here's to a good start on the day!

No More of Saying Nothing

Wow. It's been 2 years of utter silence. All my friends that got me started on this I'm sure have long since stopped looking here for new posts. I don't blame them. In fact, I wonder if they still have their blogs up-to-date or even in existence. I'd check, but not being the greatest friend I have lost the links. To the original groupies--I'm sorry.

To bridge the gap from early posts to now, I finished Physician Assistant school in August 2006 and life has been an odd journey since. I moved to Kentucky in November 2006 where I have now set-up shop. Finding a PA job and keeping one has been rather difficult, however. (More on that later.) And what I didn't intend to happen did, and I couldn't be more grateful. I started in a recovery program for codependency and disordered eating.

They say we're like onions and have many layers to peel off. I now feel for an onion. Having layers stripped is not fun and it does stink sometimes, but there's freedom...a freedom I never thought I needed let alone would attain. Don't let my word choice fool you, I haven't arrived yet, nor is recovery about arriving. (More about that too at another time.) It's actually a process and all about the journey...the letting go of the old and embracing the new.

So anyway, my journey has brought me here: a place I want to call home, ministries that I'm slowing becoming a part of, and no full-time job which leaves me with the possibility of moving away. Oh, and did I say my extended family was here, as in the same town? I have 2 neices and 4 nephews--I don't want to leave them. Frustrations, let me tell you.

And this is the platform from which I will begin my talks. I am an expert on nothing else other than my life experience and my perceptions.