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Goodbye Christmas
14 years ago
Monday, September 08, 2008
I'm Still Grateful
It finally happened. The time has come and I can breathe easy once again. NO MORE LIMBO! I have a job and I don't have to move! WAHOO! The contract will be signed this week and I will commute 25 minutes to work. I'm doing what I enjoy and these three doctors are willing to mentor me. I am wanted and it feels good...so good. Confidence, here I come! Where things will unfold from here I don't know, but I'm still grateful...so grateful. I can't tell you the joy I have to place roots and grow, and build relationships and dig deeper into ministry. It's exciting. I invite you to walk the journey with me...
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
The Sponsor Stuff
Okay, so I reread what I wrote for "Hungry" and I realize that the sponsor paragraph doesn't make much sense at all. What's the deal?
A bit of history... I wanted to be a part of something bigger than myself and at the time I needed to be needed in order to feel significant and secure and important. So, I went and checked out this group called Celebrate Recovery thinking I'd make a great small group leader. I quickly found myself relating to those who struggled with codependency and realized I had to be a participant before being a leader. This was one year ago and it marks the beginning of a radical transformation.
Celebrate Recovery is a Christ-centered 12-step program that provides a safe place for anyone with any sort of hurt, habit, or hang-up...and I certainly belonged. The group usually meets one night a week and then there's an option to dig deeper and join a step study, which simply means you take 1 year to look deeper in the 12-steps and provides the opportunity and accountability to work out your recovery. (Go to http://www.celebraterecovery.com/ to find a group near you, find out more information, or read the 12-steps/8 principles.)
The recovery journey, and even life for that matter, was never meant to be walked alone. Celebrate Recovery helps those of us who want to isolate to open up and find authentic community. Part of that community includes a sponsor. A sponsor is simply someone who has already worked the 12-steps in detail and will lead you through your journey in the steps. They are there to guide, support, and keep you on track. Believe me, I am so grateful for my sponsor. I can't even begin to tell you the amazing help that she has been...and I'm a better person for it. She has held boundaries with me, called my cards, prayed with me and over me, and has walked with me in the ups and downs of my journey.
So last Monday we talked and I just poured out my heart. My lack of a job and financial insecurity was reaching a maximal stress point and worry was beginning to plague me. Me, a Christian, who believes that He will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast because he trusts in God, worried and anxious? Was I allowed? Were my emotions sinful? And how do I reconcile Paul's urging to be anxious in nothing but to pray and be thankful for everything? So, my sponsor makes it clear to me that being a Christian is not the absence of these emotions. In fact, God wants us to be honest with our emotions. Jesus was when he went to the cross, and there was nothing peaceful or anxiety-free about that. Paul admits to his human-ness, and Stephen called on the Holy Spirit when he stood before a bunch of angry people. But there is an underlying peace, especially when I stop to get honest and pray truthfully.
Because I wasn't finding a job locally, I had to go to plan B which meant leaving home for at least 3 months at a time. I didn't want to leave my support group, sponsor, therapist or dietitian. Plus, the church I attended was magnificent and my family lived close-by. Because I felt like I finally belonged somewhere and that I wasn't complacent, I couldn't understand why God would move me else where. The sponsor-lady (I like to call her) quickly reminded not to get dependent on the church or a particular support group because that limits God and is unhealthy, just like developing a dependency on people. Yeah, that hit me between the eyes.
She went on to say that maybe God has other plans, maybe he wants to send me elsewhere and start a Celebrate Recovery group..."maybe God is stomping in your puddle so that like the splash of water He'll get you to move." I don't know what the master plan is, but I'm okay with it because it will be more than I can anticipate. It certainly is a journey loaded with unexpected twists and turns.
It's hard when after so many rejection notices (from job interviews) to not take it personally. I can ward off the question "What's wrong with me?" for only so long. The height of my eating disorder hit during PA school and so some of the lies I've believed involve my professional competency. Telling the professor who believed in me the most (and my being afraid that I've let him down) was no easy task. What I'm realizing, though, is that I don't give myself enough credit. I am far more able than I fear I am. And besides, it is Him who makes me able in the first place anyway.
You are no less able...it's okay to dare to be bold even if you don't feel like it. Most of the time I don't feel like either, but we have to especially if we want the most out of this life. And I really need to let that sink in, for the both of us. May it reach your heart.
A bit of history... I wanted to be a part of something bigger than myself and at the time I needed to be needed in order to feel significant and secure and important. So, I went and checked out this group called Celebrate Recovery thinking I'd make a great small group leader. I quickly found myself relating to those who struggled with codependency and realized I had to be a participant before being a leader. This was one year ago and it marks the beginning of a radical transformation.
Celebrate Recovery is a Christ-centered 12-step program that provides a safe place for anyone with any sort of hurt, habit, or hang-up...and I certainly belonged. The group usually meets one night a week and then there's an option to dig deeper and join a step study, which simply means you take 1 year to look deeper in the 12-steps and provides the opportunity and accountability to work out your recovery. (Go to http://www.celebraterecovery.com/ to find a group near you, find out more information, or read the 12-steps/8 principles.)
The recovery journey, and even life for that matter, was never meant to be walked alone. Celebrate Recovery helps those of us who want to isolate to open up and find authentic community. Part of that community includes a sponsor. A sponsor is simply someone who has already worked the 12-steps in detail and will lead you through your journey in the steps. They are there to guide, support, and keep you on track. Believe me, I am so grateful for my sponsor. I can't even begin to tell you the amazing help that she has been...and I'm a better person for it. She has held boundaries with me, called my cards, prayed with me and over me, and has walked with me in the ups and downs of my journey.
So last Monday we talked and I just poured out my heart. My lack of a job and financial insecurity was reaching a maximal stress point and worry was beginning to plague me. Me, a Christian, who believes that He will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast because he trusts in God, worried and anxious? Was I allowed? Were my emotions sinful? And how do I reconcile Paul's urging to be anxious in nothing but to pray and be thankful for everything? So, my sponsor makes it clear to me that being a Christian is not the absence of these emotions. In fact, God wants us to be honest with our emotions. Jesus was when he went to the cross, and there was nothing peaceful or anxiety-free about that. Paul admits to his human-ness, and Stephen called on the Holy Spirit when he stood before a bunch of angry people. But there is an underlying peace, especially when I stop to get honest and pray truthfully.
Because I wasn't finding a job locally, I had to go to plan B which meant leaving home for at least 3 months at a time. I didn't want to leave my support group, sponsor, therapist or dietitian. Plus, the church I attended was magnificent and my family lived close-by. Because I felt like I finally belonged somewhere and that I wasn't complacent, I couldn't understand why God would move me else where. The sponsor-lady (I like to call her) quickly reminded not to get dependent on the church or a particular support group because that limits God and is unhealthy, just like developing a dependency on people. Yeah, that hit me between the eyes.
She went on to say that maybe God has other plans, maybe he wants to send me elsewhere and start a Celebrate Recovery group..."maybe God is stomping in your puddle so that like the splash of water He'll get you to move." I don't know what the master plan is, but I'm okay with it because it will be more than I can anticipate. It certainly is a journey loaded with unexpected twists and turns.
It's hard when after so many rejection notices (from job interviews) to not take it personally. I can ward off the question "What's wrong with me?" for only so long. The height of my eating disorder hit during PA school and so some of the lies I've believed involve my professional competency. Telling the professor who believed in me the most (and my being afraid that I've let him down) was no easy task. What I'm realizing, though, is that I don't give myself enough credit. I am far more able than I fear I am. And besides, it is Him who makes me able in the first place anyway.
You are no less able...it's okay to dare to be bold even if you don't feel like it. Most of the time I don't feel like either, but we have to especially if we want the most out of this life. And I really need to let that sink in, for the both of us. May it reach your heart.
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