Hungry

So this morning I'm a little off kilter, but I want to write anyway. To hit the highlights:

I appreciate my sponsor so much. What truth she shed yesterday about shedding pride, that Christianity isn't the absence of discomfort, being cautious of depending on institutions and ministries, and that God may be stomping in my puddle to get me to go. (Remind me to explain what a sponsor is and why I have one.)

Last night I shed my pride and wrote a massive email to my professor about the skeletons in my closet and how inadequate I feel as a professional. After all, I'm only as sick as my secrets. I'm weighed down the most by the things I try to hide.

I also need to share how God has been faithful in supplying my manna for the day. And even though Paul says to be anxious in nothing, I have to be honest with how I feel. I'm anxious. Money is running out and today I start pursuing a travel position when I want to stay put. And what am I going to do with my cat? No one wants her...she has issues, but she is so significant to me. I'm codependent with a cat! ...and dogs I found earlier this summer. I know God will take care of that too.

I'm stressed and I'm not eating as much. I've made a promise to never starve myself again and I see my appetite shrinking which is a little unnerving. And because of that, I sleep less. And ironically, today I'm up praying and worshiping my Father in heaven which is a first in so long. It brings me to tears this morning to seek His throne before anything else because I've needed this for so long and I'm finally able and willing to come.

I'm so hungry on many fronts...food, sleep, significance, confidence...but mostly for Him and I wish I could just stay focused on music and prayer all day. Things have to get done today and there are appointments to attend, and I'm so thankful that worship or being in His presence is not confined to the quietness of an early morning. Like Allie said on her post at www.truecampaign.org, I'm gonna go and just be for a little bit. I need to spend more time with Jesus than writing about Him.

Here's to a good start on the day!

No More of Saying Nothing

Wow. It's been 2 years of utter silence. All my friends that got me started on this I'm sure have long since stopped looking here for new posts. I don't blame them. In fact, I wonder if they still have their blogs up-to-date or even in existence. I'd check, but not being the greatest friend I have lost the links. To the original groupies--I'm sorry.

To bridge the gap from early posts to now, I finished Physician Assistant school in August 2006 and life has been an odd journey since. I moved to Kentucky in November 2006 where I have now set-up shop. Finding a PA job and keeping one has been rather difficult, however. (More on that later.) And what I didn't intend to happen did, and I couldn't be more grateful. I started in a recovery program for codependency and disordered eating.

They say we're like onions and have many layers to peel off. I now feel for an onion. Having layers stripped is not fun and it does stink sometimes, but there's freedom...a freedom I never thought I needed let alone would attain. Don't let my word choice fool you, I haven't arrived yet, nor is recovery about arriving. (More about that too at another time.) It's actually a process and all about the journey...the letting go of the old and embracing the new.

So anyway, my journey has brought me here: a place I want to call home, ministries that I'm slowing becoming a part of, and no full-time job which leaves me with the possibility of moving away. Oh, and did I say my extended family was here, as in the same town? I have 2 neices and 4 nephews--I don't want to leave them. Frustrations, let me tell you.

And this is the platform from which I will begin my talks. I am an expert on nothing else other than my life experience and my perceptions.