electronic journal entry 4-5-06

So I was attempting to nap while my mind continued to race and I've had some interesting insight to some of the deeper issues contributing to my current state of mind and mood. This rotation has been a relatively smooth transition, much unlike all the others. So it's been a challenge to understand why I've felt so overwhelmed and depressed lately. Was it just the transition? Surely there had to be more. And there is. I'm overwhelmed by all that needs to be accomplished from the simple things to the more complex. I'm embarrassed and angry about my financial situation and how I managed to squander thousands of dollars. My apartment is in shambles and laundry desperately needs to be done. I'm enjoying my psychiatry rotation but it's hard to hear about other's struggles--problems with food, weight gain or loss, drugs, the death of this parent, and the divorce of that spouse. It reminds me of my own insecurities including the fear of my parents' death. I'm daily reminded of my own anxieties and the limitations of medicine...the dread of nothing left to offer hope of a complete recovery and a life full of joy, happiness, and good health. I sit there in the chair that's too small for my body and I feel like I stick out...the mental images of how I think I look are embarrassing. I go home to an empty, tiny apartment and am greeted by a talkative kitty. I worry if the neighbors are grumbling and complaining behind my back. I keep thinking if only I had a chunk of time to get things done, a big check to pay off my debt, and a different apartment with more space and light, then I would feel better and everything would be different. I could start off on the right foot, maintain my circumstances, and never be behind again. The humbling and discouraging part comes when I realize that I've had all of that and I'm still in the situation that I am. The challenge is how to get caught up little by little. It doesn't help that I miss my family. I enjoyed the weekend we had. It was time that I cherish so much and crave more of it -- greedy for more of their time, love, company, and attention. I wish I could be content in the here and now with what I have. Someone once said that at point A you wish you were at point B. But when you leave point A for point B, it doesn't take long before point C comes into focus and point B loses it's appeal. When will the present circumstances ever be enough? That's the question for today.

"I am in competition with one person only...and that's the person I know I can become."